nyc subway jokes

And thats tough. Need FUNNY jokes about New York? People tell me, Hey, if you quit smoking, youll get your sense of smell back. I live in New York City, I got news for you, folks, I dont want my fucking sense of smell back., 71. In New York, everyone is an exile, none more so than the Americans., 53. ! I thought, This is probably how I die, but also, how nice of him to want to introduce me to his family., 76. A bozo is any man who cheats on his wife. Holler! Because thats where the mini apple is! Why do University of Buffalo grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards? Why are New Yorkers always so depressed? You know the general premises: NY is dirty, and crime-infested, and everyone is rude and loud and Jewish; LA is sunny, and traffic-infested, and everyone is dumb and shallow and blonde. New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time most, unsolved. Johnny Carson, Its so cold here in New York that the flashers are just describing themselves. Johnny Carson, Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. Johnny Carson, My dad was the town drunk. Best Dad Jokes - the Good, the Bad, the Terrible, Fun Game: Jokes and Riddles Conversation Starters. 2. My great grandmother worked on the Underground RailroadBut since she lived in NYC, we just called it the subway. Why do New Yorkers like to visit Minnesota? Two Towers. 9. 141. I do this every day on Tinder. Cancel Play It Again. Youll a lot of times see headlines that are like, Hero Tutor Teaches After School, and youre like, Yeah. Down towards the bottom of the spectrum, there are pervs. WebNYC subway commuters. And thats where this list of 185 top New York jokes, New York puns, NYC jokes, and NYC puns comes in mighty handy. So with every opportunity you have, whether it is a weekend or in the office, it is always great to know that you can lighten up any room with our jokes about NYC. What do you call a barber in the Bronx? Lets cross the bridge when we come to it. So for you to be a dildo, arrogant fan on top of that? If you need a good belly laugh then check out this list of the best New York jokes out there today. That's why I do it on crowded subway cars. 44. Subway New York is divine but Staten island floats my boat! Crossing the Brooklyn bridge really takes a toll on you. Now, he wasnt hurt. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. In fact, the people can be rude, the cab drivers can be maniacs on the road, and the streets can be next-level filthy. I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won. This post may contain affiliate links. The Stock Exchange. Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place., 38. In New York, they try to work things out for the sake of the apartment., 39. Im like, Dude, arent you cold? No, Im from New York. Tire-less. Talk about kazoos for a few minutes, then you hop on your unicycle and juggle, you carnival-faced motherfucker. Hannibal Buress, Fuck you, and fuck the Yankees! Please stop calling my new phone. He hates New York. Steven Wright, I live in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, which is a very hip, cool neighborhood in New York. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldnt that be an even number? Now I live in New York, and Im psyched, but that is a stupid movie title. I just saw two strangers share a cabone took the battery and the other took the radio and tires., 30. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. Out of these cookies, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. Id flown in yesterday, and I had this very weird, genuine New York moment. 73. It is my favorite thing on cable. He kept yelling at me. Howd you get lost in New York? Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? If you live in New York, even if youre Catholic, youre Jewish., 51. NYC is the only city in the world where you can be awakened by a smell., 37. Thats not my area up there! You cant do that. Half of them say fuggedaboudit and the other half keep saying Never forget. Cause you can hear anything, at any hour theres always something to blame it on. Pete Holmes, Even if you like New York, youll admit its not a nice place. After 5 years, what does an NYU graduate call a Columbia graduate? I got invited to a ball drop celebration at NYC tonight, guess what it was? I could never be married to her. Why do New Yorkers like to visit Minnesota? Bernies voice has been her calling card since she began working in broadcasting in her early 20s. I mean, both stick 38 year old meat into 10 year old buns. Voice of NYC subway, 66, reveals she's now trans woman and is working to make her speaking voice more feminine - but says she'll still use her famously-dulcet tones for work New York City is the only city in the world where you can be awakened by a smell. Actually, corn dogs still work. First Time-rs Square is the place to be. Trying to get into smaller pants. It is riveting! 101. 45. Go Bills!, 94. I know that everyone will want to go in there if they have a chance. Find more hilarious funny new york city jokes here. Youve never seen anyone de-age so fast in your life. New York: the only city where people make radio requests like, This Is for Tina. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty., 54. Thats the best shooting ever done in this town. In New York its always raining Katz and dogs. I could never live there. Please add a link to this article. Theres so little greenery in NYC, it would make a stone sick. Exiting trains and navigating stations Be sure you have all your belongings with you. The birds dont know how to fly, they just fall out of trees and bother people. 42. Its so cold in New York that the flashers just seem to be describing themselves., 105. 55. There you have it! Ill use my Rolls Royce.. Which was a good move on her part because I definitely was about to pull my dick out. 30. 2023 Vox Media, LLC. Its so cold here in New York that the flashers are just describing themselves. 113. Yeah, I cant see the Forest Hills for the trees. Exactly 2,417,529 people in NYC got married last year. If you make the Brooklyn bridge smaller, is it abridged now? You gots schmutz on your foots, Toots!. He was going to his next gig and his floppy shoes caught on his baggy trousers and, since he was a little too close to the edge, he fell in front of the train. More like no parking slope. Thats quite a Roosevelt you have going on. 85. Cause that fact is way scarier than cyclones. Theyre just, Is that an octopus? 69. 84. Feeling loopy? ', 41. Bookworms. 102. Really?. Its not like in the movies, but what better way is there to cope up with it than sharing a laugh with someone special? And L.A. is a very short commute to America, its like half an hour on the plane. Craig Ferguson, Los Angeles is seven suburbs in search of a city. Alexander Wolcott, Los Angeles is a large city-like area surrounding the Beverly Hills Hotel. Fran Lebowitz, You know, youre really nobody in L.A. unless you live in a house with a really big door. Steve Martin, I love Los Angeles. Slums with trees. Moo York. Lower NYC subway, bus fare hike and more frequent service are (We find the sillier, cornier, and punnier, the better.) You dont have to go far. You can get your purse snatched and your rear end pinched simultaneously., 87. By submitting your email, you agree to our Terms and Privacy Policy and to receive email correspondence from us. Oh, this is your neighborhood now? Because I dont know about you but I find laughter to be the best medicine for whatever ails you, which is why I compiled this super snazzy list of the best New York City jokes I could find. A Cyclone. One lives in a field and is stuffed with hay. The eccentric customer always orders a tuna sandwich, but heavily modified, made with an extra cup of mayo, smothered in chili peppers, red peppers, onions, and pickles, then toasted until it's burnt. Is the Federal Government Trying to Kill Off Crypto? Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York? WebNew York Jokes. The mother wants to think of some excuse so she says: "because when you do it, then when you grow up, you will be fat like our neighbour next door." 111. 32. Because thats where the mini apple is! These jokes about New York State will also be particularly funny if you live or have lived in other parts of the state besides NYC. A bunch of people in New York said, Gee, Im enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isnt cold enough. In Massachusetts, why do all the trees lean west? As an Amazon Associate, I earn a small commission from qualifying purchases. The Cyclone was made in the year 1927. I joined the Jokes Quotes Factory to share my best piece. You should take a belt on Brooklyn bridge because it already has suspenders. Why dont Los Angeles drivers use their blinkers? This final design was used until tokens were phased out in 2003. I recently started a job as a forensic analyst in Los Angeles. I love Hollywood. Youre either a tot or youre dead and youre an angel. I had like bruises everywhere. 56. They write theses on What I Stole Over My Summer Vacation. Joan Rivers, [New York] is all sex and violence. jokes about the five boroughs: Our favorite NYC is an exciting place where something mysterious is always happeningmost of these instances remain unsolved. Like Soho. Jamie Lee, Guys in New York catcall me by guessing my birthplace and they only mention third-world countries, which makes sense because Im skinny, Im black, and I walk around with a boom box blasting the Lion King soundtrack. Phoebe Robinson, I went on a Statue of Liberty boat tour. 39. Whether you're a fan of the underground transport system or not, these jokes are sure to make you laugh. 58. If you continue to use this site we will assume that you are happy with it. I auditioned to live in Williamsburg but didnt get a callback., 69. G: No I'm a dentist. 3. MiamiNewTimes.com 2. 11. Living in New York can be challenging at times and its not that easy for everyone. Studies recently showed that New Yorkers are offended by 9/11 jokes. You can get your purse snatched and your rear end pinched simultaneously. Joan Rivers, This guy came up to me at a party last week and asked me, Where are you from? So I told him, Im from Queens, New York. And hes like, No, where are you really from? For those of you who dont know, thats code for Why arent you white? Hari Kondabolu, I come from New York, where, if you fall down, someone will pick you up by the wallet. Al McGuire, Ive now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones unfortunately, its a lowercase L. Rita Rudner, The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New York City. Jon Stewart, New York is the only place where if you have talent and you believe in yourself, and you show people what you can do, then someday, maybe just maybe you could get shoved in front of a moving subway train. Dave Barry, In Manhattan, every flat surface is a potential stage, and every inattentive waiter an unemployed, and possibly unemployable, actor. Quentin Crisp, I saw a license plate that said I Miss New York, so I smashed their windows and stole their radio. Craig Anton, No matter how many times I visit this great city, Im always struck by the same thing: a yellow taxicab. Scott Adams, I live in Los Angeles. Yeah. What do you do to stay cool when its 100 degrees in NYC? The banker, stunned, asks, A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Statin island. Alabama! Yawn. New Yorkers confuse me If you are stuck at a red light, its the time that it takes for the occupant of the car behind you to honk his horn when the light turns green. You wanna pizza me? 12. This last version of the token came out in 1995 with the pentagon cutout and a fare hike to $1.50. and says, "Wait a second, this isn't Subway.".

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